How Nairobians Are Confusing Villagers

By Hosea Namachanja

I urge the government to intervene. Nairobians are giving us sleepless nights. They are not taking sugarless tea. Ain’t they sane or insane ? I guess they come from planet Jupiter. 

Yesterday, one Nairobian dame called my granny ‘ Grand- Dzaddy’s bae. ‘ Why ? My grandfather’s 2nd lover girl is called Puricilla (Priscilla ) not what I heard. More worse, she greeted her in a city accent as she licks her lips. 

Wanjala our class eight drop out bachelor is experiencing some running stomach. After kissing his now the Nairobian chic, rumours has it that he licked all the lipsticks on the dame’s lips. 

Nairobian kids are making our Namutokholo Pri Sch going village kids look like the ‘ cursed ‘ kids. They are calling hunger ‘ maunenge ‘ , boots ‘ njumu ‘ , stopping nonsense ‘ chaa ungaji ‘ . Why ? 

In the village, there are two types of soaps. One for bathing and washing clothes then we have that one meant for kitchen chores like washing utensils. But Njoki is a disgrace to our culture. Only four months in the city ? 

Yesterday, Njoki who her Nairobian friends are calling ‘ Kinjo ‘ took the kitchen soap for a shower and left the soap there. When collecting utensils to clean, my granny searched for the Ksh 5 soap piece never to be found. 

This hurt my granny. She even blamed me for having left our cow Mrembo to feed on. May Ngai Fafa our maker help me not to have been cursed. I fear curses more than the shortage of Condoms. 

 In Homabay, Ochieng… duh! ‘ Jachien odak e nungo gi simbe manyasani (the devil dwells in his waist and smartphone.) With a Redmi 5G smartphone, Akinyi and Adhiambo ain’t sleeping. Selfies with Ochieng are unlocking their closed legs. 

Ochieng is promising village Homabayan dames nice phones and jobs as soon as he get back to Nairobi. With no protectives, he’s taking advantage of their illiteracy and uncivility to have access to their pure innocent coochies. Chewing them without regret. 

 In Turkana, Lopur is a master. Dames are just wooing him. Keeping in mind in Lodwar the temperature is so high, Lodwans rarely sleep in the house. Just outside on mats. That’s how Lopur is enjoying. With a nice look and few coins, for a week, 3 – 5 hens are being slaughtered by his Johny. 

The previous day Kiprop from Nandi ate a scary character development for calling manicure ‘ cutex’. He didn’t know Chebet while in the city, manicure isn’t cutex. How can he call manicure cutex surely ? And sweatpants are not ‘ nguo sa kukimbia mbiyo’ (sports attires).

Come in Kakamega Shamakhokho, Shimalavandu, Navakholo and Lurambi. Oh, Namakhukhuni also. Sweet names. Wepukhulu a herdsboy to a retired High School teacher is feeling like the only blessed man. On the road in company of Rusariah Nasambu his boss’s daughter, he’s greeting every man he meets. 

For those who don’t know, Rusariah has nice ” assets, charming hug, speaks nice Swahili and English, light – skinned and worse, she has a bewitching gap.” Pure “kienyeji ” the goddess of many. That’s why Wepukhulu is happy. He’s making other men think Rusariah is his Khalinjola ( lover).

Furthermore, he’s ‘ using ‘ Rusariah as a weapon to hurt his village ex girlfriends. By the way, Rusariah being a city girl, from The University of Nairobi, resting her hand on Wepukhulu’s shoulder when taking selfies on a highway is causing envy in hearts of single men. She’s also calling Wepukhulu romantic names like hunnie, sweetheart, handy etcetera when talking. 

But my question is here, why are these Nairobians asking for tissue papers yet they know we use leaves or scroll our assess on the grass to clean our bottom up economy ? In fact some doors of our toilets are made up of sacks while others don’t have doors. You just enter in and believe nothing is wrong then release yourself. 

 For those having Television and radios, these Nairobians are so stubborn. Channels are being changed every hour. We love our community radios and TV stations but they are just busy tuning and switching to their own. May December end for them to return in the city. We are tired. 

Our graduates are receiving false promises from Nairobian relatives. They are photocopying, printing and writing CVs day and night believing aunty/ uncle so and fulani is going to look for me a job. The earth is hard in the village yawa.

My sister is calling anything “stuff”. Ugali stuff, our cow stuff. Hii stuff inatoa maziwa mob… In case of this cow produces more milk. Hii stuff ni tamuu. . . That will be githeri prepared by our grandmother Cecilia Namukhosi the Daugher of Petero Masinde Namachanja son of Omukhone Omukinyikeu who killed a mosquito on the head of a goat with a hammer.

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